


Take the Risk

by LiveThroughThePages



Category: Ookiku Furikabutte | Big Windup!
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, but he's working through it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 01:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15256413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiveThroughThePages/pseuds/LiveThroughThePages
Summary: Something so simple should not be this difficult, but at least he's trying his best.TajiHana Ship Week Day 4 Prompt: Risk - noun/verb. a situation involving exposure to danger; expose (someone or something valued) to danger, harm, or loss.





	Take the Risk

Hanai takes risks. He takes risks during each game he plays. Every at bat he has to take a chance on the pitches thrown his way. It’s why he’s keenly aware that if he never takes the risk, he might never succeed or get the outcome he wants.

He knows this. He knows this to his very core. It’s probably written straight into his DNA at this point. Yet sometimes the fear sinks its claws so deep that taking the first step toward that chance becomes so difficult you can hardly breathe. It’s debilitating as your body freezes and you know what you should be doing but just can’t.

It just hurts Hanai to know that this only happens when Tajima is involved.

Lying in bed, Hanai stares up at the ceiling. His room is mostly dark with the only light coming in from the streetlight outside his window. It casts an ugly shadow on the walls, shifting whenever the branches of the trees moved in the breeze. His eyes burn with each blink, but no matter how tired he is, his mind won’t rest.

He wonders where he went wrong or maybe the better question is what was wrong with him? Tajima’s disappointed eyes flash in his mind. The more Hanai thinks about it, the worse his mind twists it. This last time he imagines tears forming in Tajima’s eyes and Hanai feels devastated despite it being a figment of his imagination. Because that’s not how today ended but it could have and it will if he doesn’t fix himself.

“It’s just holding a hand,” Tajima had said, reaching his hand forward. “People do it all the time.”

Hanai had tried his best. He swears it. At first Tajima’s hand had felt right in his as they walked down the sidewalk. But then people had begun looking in their direction and Hanai had imagined them whispering cruel things about Tajima and himself. He had been able to push the thoughts away but the more crowded the area became, the worse the thoughts.

And he had pulled his hand away.

Hanai believes he deserved every disappointed look Tajima gave him after that. The rest of their date was strained and Hanai is still upset with himself. He won’t be surprised if this is the last straw for Tajima. Despite their families being supportive, Hanai still can’t get over his fear.

It clings to him even now as he attempts to sleep. He’s ashamed. It’s nearing two in the morning now, but he wants to make amends or try to. Before he has a chance to rethink his choice, his fingers are typing out the message he wants to send. 

‘There’s a park I want to go to tomorrow since we have another day off.’

Hanai puts his phone back, not expecting a response given the time. Within seconds of him turning over onto his side, he hears the phone vibrate. He sits up and stares at his phone. His hands are shaking. Why is Tajima still awake? Is he thinking about the same things Hanai is? Is he reflecting on how much Hanai has let him down?

‘Where and when?’

The response eases Hanai’s mind. A part of him had expected Tajima to chew him out even though he knows Tajima would never do that to him over a message. If Hanai had done something, Tajima would say something in person. He just can’t stop the doubt from trickling in and poisoning his mind.

Hanai sends his response. This time he does not receive an answer, but that’s okay. He will see Tajima tomorrow afternoon. If Tajima decides he’s not worth it, Hanai will accept it openly.

He falls into a restless sleep plagued by his anxiety and doubts.

The next day he waits at the entrance of the park, checking his phone every few minutes for the time. It’s approaching three in the afternoon - the time they are supposed to meet. Usually, Tajima would have been there by now and it leaves a sick feeling in the pit of Hanai’s stomach. Three o’clock approaches and suddenly it’s a quarter after. Perhaps he’s being stood up.

The numbers stare back at him on his phone. 3:24 pm. Maybe he should just go home. He turns to leave but his feet don’t move. This is all his fault after all. He deserves this. He’s a mess. Maybe he really is broken like he thought and Tajima can tell how deep it really goes.

“Hanai!” He turns with wide eyes as Tajima comes running down the street, dodging people as he goes. Tajima comes to a stop. His face is flushed red from the exertion. “I’m so sorry! I had to wait for someone else to get home because my grandpop wasn’t feeling well.” Hanai nods and ignores the little voice that says Tajima could have sent a message. Tajima catches his breath and shoves his hands in his pocket, rocking back and forth on his heels. “So… what did you want to do here?”

Hanai smiles. “I just wanted to walk. I thought it’d be nice if you were with me.” He doesn’t mention that he wants to try to make up for the day before.

They begin their walk in silence but there’s enough noise around them to fill the air. There are kids running around and laughing. Families are enjoying picnics, and there are a few people sitting on benches reading. Hanai and Tajima walk side by side - close enough for their shoulders to brush.

Tajima’s hands swing slightly by his side as he takes in his surroundings. Hanai looks about anxiously. His hand twitches in a desire to reach out but he can’t. Not while his demons whisper in his ears. Their hands bump and Hanai wishes Tajima would take the lead on this so he can show him how much he’s trying.

_“I can’t keep doing this for the both of us.”_

Tajima’s words from yesterday are fresh in Hanai’s mind. He knows Tajima is waiting for him to carry his own weight in this relationship. He knows Tajima hates hiding what they are and what they have together. Hanai knows all of this, but as he look around at all the people, the doubt settles again. There’s a couple sitting not far away. A woman leaning her head against a man’s shoulder as he reads with their hands intertwined between them. Hanai is hit with the thought that he and Tajima will never be able to have that. They will always be looked at and frowned upon for the person they love.

Hanai doesn’t realize he’s stopped moving until he feels a hand wrap around his elbow. He looks away from the couple and to Tajima, who’s looking at him with concern. Hanai wants to ease his worry, but he doesn’t know what to say.

“Hanai, it’s fine,” Tajima says with an unusually soft voice. His hand slides down Hanai’s arm, stopping at the wrist to offer an encouraging squeeze. He lets go but remains close to Hanai. “It doesn’t matter.”

Hanai frowns. “Of course it does.” Even as he says this, Tajima is shaking his head ‘no.’

“Really,” Tajima promises. This time he takes Hanai’s hand in his, holding it tightly. “I don’t need it. As long as you’re with me, it doesn’t matter.” He lets go of Hanai’s hand and begins walking again. Hanai takes one last look at the couple before jogging slightly to catch up to Tajima.

Take the risk, he tells himself. Glancing at Tajima, he sees the other’s content smile. he’s being honest, but Hanai also knows how much it means to Tajima. He takes a breath, steadies his nevers, and laces their hands together. He smiles. Tajima’s hand really does fit nicely with his.

He feels Tajima’s gaze on the side of his face. Another glance tells him Tajima is both surprised and concerned. “I’m not pushing myself,” he says to Tajima’s unasked question. Hanai knows Tajima would never willingly force him into a situation he wasn’t comfortable with. “It just takes me longer. Baby steps, alright?” His answer comes in the comforting squeeze of Tajima’s hand.


End file.
